I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
