Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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