...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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