Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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