I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
