Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
