thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
