im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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