Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
