new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize