I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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