Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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