I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
