My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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