and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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