I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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