We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
