i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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