it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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