I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
