I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just wanna soil my oats bro
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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