Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
