We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
