I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
