I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
