I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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