I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize