so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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