i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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