zippers are such a cool invention
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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