apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
