we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
