I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
