Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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