And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
