Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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