ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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