It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
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