I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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