i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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