I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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