Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sorry about my life...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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