Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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