I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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