alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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