You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
