people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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