The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
