the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
