Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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