If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
