I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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