Heybabeimwearingurpanties
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
