I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Boobs are out for the taking
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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