Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's shark week go big or go home
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
