sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
