walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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