nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
